The Sword in the Stone

The Sword in the Stone…Anguilla version.  I cannot get the cork out of the wine bottle.  Every day I come home and think, “This is the day- I shall prevail at pulling out this Caribbean-heat-bloated-humidity-constipated-cork.

My un-success rate is approaching Noah’s Ark Flood Period.  If the bottle opens on the last day of exams…it’s a sign from God.

My roommate and I go to the beach to study, and on our drive home, we met Eeyore.

Behold…Anguilla Tour-Guide Barbie and the second white-ass on the island.  Roommate’s quote when we got home, “Lydia, we could make a steak on you!”

Professor G’s Finale: “Brain Sex…well, I think everybody has that….however, since we are in genetics class, I think they’re referring to sexual orientation.”

Mint Sucking Microphone: He puts a mint in his mouth while giving a lecture, “blah, blah, blah, (sucking mint sound “SSlllluuuuurrrpppp!”)….blah, blah, blah,…(large inhale “hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” plus a pool-of-spit “ssssssssssss” plus “Chomp chomp…ccccrrrkkk chomp chomp”)…blah, blah (suck and slurp)…blah blah….. “What are you looking at? I’m having my mint.”…Really…we thought it was the Horse tied out-back next to the food truck…our mistake.

Disorders of Sexual Development “Well, I have lots of hair…let’s see what’s next, present male external genitalia…(he looks down)…yep!…Chromosome number 46 XX SRY+ is really a male…”   The fact that the professor had to look down between his legs is what killed us.  That page in my notes has tear drops on it, so much that I can no longer read what’s on the page.

After exams, Alyssa and I went to Artisan’s.  At Artisan’s your pizza cooks in 90 seconds in a 900 degree oven.  Then we went to the beach where yachts were lit in the distance.

Biochemistry: As I was using White-Out on my G-protein coupled receptor notes…I was thinking, I need white-out for life.  Looking at the good looking man and walking into a door frame– big, big, streak of white-out.  Giving that annoying man my phone number, White-Out.  Asking my sister to play her oboe for me without practicing- White-Out.  Seeing the man in the Trench Coat open his trench coat, big, big, big, big, big streak of White-Out.

One morning, there was ‘BS’ all over lecture slides.  I would read, “BS levels are abnormal…”  And I’m thinking why does he have Bull Sh** all over these slides?  Oooohhhhh…BS = Blood Sugar…right.  I’m sure if someone read my grocery list with “BS” on there they’d think Bolognese Sauce instead of Bull Sh**.  Just like if they read TP, they’d think Taco Platter instead of Toilet Paper, or PB to mean Parsley Bits instead of Peanut Butter.  (I suppose I could’ve read the title of the slide “Insulin and Diabetes Mellitus”…but instead my brain goes straight to Bull Sh**)

Baby Goats!

In our Neuroscience clinical exam class, beautiful Tiffany W. was continuously stabbing the back of my throat with a tongue depressor in front of the class trying to elicit a Gag Reflex.  As she kept stabbing the back of my throat, it became pretty clear that Lydia’s gag reflex = absent = abnormal.  Then she had to do more neurological tests to see if my CN X was damaged.  I told her not to run an MRI of my head because it would just come up empty- a space occupying lesion caused by constant Air Head.

However!  Running the neighbor’s puppy one morning…the puppy chewed-on a 12″ Lizard…Lydia’s Gag Reflex = Present…Very Present.  New medical chart documentation, “When stabbed continuously in the back of the throat, Medulla Gag Reflex = absent…when watching the Neighbor’s Puppy Chew a Lizard like Bubble Gum, Medulla Gag Reflex = 3+ (hyperactively present).  (No picture needed for this portion.)

This was my last blog of the semester.  Thank you for reading!

Cabana Boy Applications

My roommate and her boyfriend were battling a lizard.  I miss Minnesota because in the cold northland, you see a black bear using your trash-can as a buffet; whereas, here in Anguilla you battle lizards in the kitchen 10 feet away from the bedroom…NOT Okay!  I just hate slithery reptiles in the bedroom.

 

New Record: I got dumped for juice!  My 3-year-old neighbor girl invited herself over for dinner, her mom offered her juice and she left me quicker that a sports car goes 0 to 60 mph.  Through the eyes of a child…I’m worthless without juice.

This week was special for us.  We got a holiday off!  Pictured here is my friend Samantha and I; we also went to the Wednesday night Bankie Banx concert.

Soccer! 3 times in one week!  Our day-off came with a beach pick-up game, and afterwards I was sentenced to the trunk because I was dirty.  Riding in there made me feel like part of a drug deal, especially when traffic stopped and men were fighting outside because of an accident.  Where is Liam Neeson?  Liam, I’ve been Taken!

My parents always said the couch was for sitting- not a soccer goal, not a hurdle, not an apparatus to torture your sister and not an obstacle course.  Well, the best couch in Anguilla is out here on the edge of the cliff where the movie Pirates of the Caribbean was filmed.

My new jive is to wear black leather pants and a wool sweater in the Caribbean since the air conditioned rooms are a bit chilly!  I happened to be wearing all black and a professor asked me, “What is your outfit? Are you wearing a Star-Trek suit.”  My response…look down at shirt…look-up…look down at pants…look-up…(while I’m thinking to myself,  “Do I look like I just walked-off the set of The Big Bang Theory?  Where is Sheldon?”)…mumble “Aaaaaahhhhhhhh…do I really?  I guess I should stop dressing in the dark (with a low-firing Reticular Activating System (RAS) causing an obtunded state of consciousness).”  Maybe I’d look normal in my red leather pants.

Now for the cream of this blog post: Cabana Boy Applications.  Since Medical School is quite stressful, I’m looking for a Cabana Boy.   If you’re interested please fill-out the Application below at your convenience; we’ll set-up an interview time, and I run a mandatory 3-day trial period for all interviewees.

Surname (if it has more than 3 syllables stop here; if you’re named Daniel Craig/James Bond skip to the bottom):

Lifting Capability (woman’s body weight preferred):

Comedic Capability (one-liners preferred):

Cleaning Capability (dirty duster or sexy sweeper):

Cooking Capability (preferably hot):

Experience in Ambiance (can you work a flame?):

Bathing Assistance Capability (soap + loofah = ?):

Masseuse Experience (Swedish meatballs are preferred):

On a scale of 1-10, how great of a dinner date are you? (be specific if you chew with mouth open or closed)

How handy are you with tools? (be very specific)

Can you remove lizards and spiders from the house along with catching a chicken? (if not, stop here)

What music do you play to fill the house?

How much do you love to dance?

What’s your desired hourly-wage in boob payments?

Please send your applications to: I_Canna_Cabana_You_Daily@hotmail.com

(In honor of my parents…they raised me right, I just turned out this way because I’m an on-going de novo mutation with an evolving clinical phenotype.)

Fudge-Chunk-A-Lunk & Proctologists

Don’t settle in life, especially when it comes to ice cream.  If I’m going to eat ice cream, give me a pint of the purest chocolate-fudge-chunk-a-lunk-ass-ballooning-salty-nut-caramel-swirl…along with a Weight Watchers catalogue to read while I’m spooning it into my mouth.

Our research class talks about classification of variables.  Time is an independent variable, like age.  Today, I am 24.918 years old; tomorrow I will be 24.921 years old.  Clearly this variable changes, and not only that, it’s always increasing.  Thank you, professor, for the reminder on a Monday afternoon at 4:30 pm that we are living in order to die.  Might as well go buy a pack of cigs and petition McDonald’s to run a drive-thru on Anguilla.

Thou shalt remain anonymous: “I had to dump a girl in high school because she kept saying 4 letter words…STOP…DON’T…QUIT.”  This same person later asked,  “When does a girl become a woman?”  To which I replied, “When she can say four letter words…STOP… DON’T…QUIT…plus…MAKE-THIS-FAST.”

Professor N: “Anybody want to be a Proctologist? They do a lot of stuff from behind…I recommend you don’t do things from behind if you can help it.”

“Reflexes are either present or absent, I don’t care who your daddy is, you go into clinicals saying reflexes are positive or negative you’ll look stupid.”

“Stay out of hospitals in July, that’s when new residents come in and they don’t know anything- they’ll kill you.  Get sick in December.”

Cute Nikki from Canada: “This is what you do Tuesday in med school because you partied Monday night after exams…put your headphones in, put your hoodie up and pretend to watch YouTube Dr. Najeeb.”……………..and try not to drool.

Remember the time when you forgot shin guards and put cardboard in your socks?  Just as effective as a cardboard house in the rain.

While guys on the soccer field have JTSC (Just Too Sexy for Clothes) Syndrome .  I’m sitting in my exam with CRS Syndrome- Can’t Remember Shit Syndrome…side effects include looking at your paper with an onset of nausea, fatigue, and blurry vision…ironically while solving a Visual Fields problem.

(After reading  a vignette as long as it takes your grandmother to walk from Mexico to New York) Where’s the lesion in your patient?

A. CN II

B. Right CN II

C. Left Temporal lobe

D. In your head

E. None of the above

F. All of the above

G. Answers E and F

**I’d say the best answer for my ‘Shit-ario’ is…D

Professor G: “What should we do with a drunken sailor, what should we do with a drunken sailor, what should we do with a drunken sailor…put him in bed with the captain’s daughter, put him in bed with the captain’s daughter…”

“Ahoy!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whip Cream Moments

A private moment…that was not so private.  My friends Nathan and Mark drive me home from school and on Fridays we grocery shop and play soccer.  While the guys were waiting for me to put away my groceries and grab my soccer gear,  I opened up the fridge looking for a quick snack.  I saw the Redi Whip can and thought, “This will fuel my soccer needs.”  So I took 3 shots of Redi Whip right into my mouth…then I hear voices outside the window saying, “Lydia…what are you doing?  Are you eating Redi Whip out of the can?”  I just started laughing because I thought they were in the car, but no, they witnessed whip-cream shot moments.

Megan, this girl is one you ought to know.  Give her $10 and in 15min she turns it $260 at the casino (She creates 26x the wealth).  When our summer tuition is due, I’m giving Megan $2,000 in hopes she takes care of the rest of my expenses. ($2,000 x 26 = $52,000…Megan baby, I’ll pay for your Vegas weekend- go to Thunder Down Under as much as you want!)   Quote of the week from Megan, “I saw a professor drinking a beer last weekend, and I thought, I’ve been studying so much I don’t even remember what alcohol tastes like.”

Med School Exams are like the movie Inception.  You have to think through all the levels, and sometimes you’re still hanging upside down with no billionaire.

Professor G’s Moment:  Giving lecture from a chair, he only got up to go to the bathroom to attend to his allergies; however, he did not shut-off the microphone…so, on full speaker mode the class heard, “kkkkkacccckkk,  aaaaaahhhhhggggg,  ssshshshhsshsttttttt” along with boisterous nose blowing and hacking like a cat in the alley disposing of a hairball.

Professor G: “I had a friend who thought he was a ladies man.  We called him Johnny Testosterone.”

Toilet Talk.  Only in Anguilla do you walk into the bathroom and you’re greeted by the toilet saying, “GGGUIuuuuurrrgggggle….SPPPPllliiisssssh spppat   ggggurrrggggllle sp.” That’s when you turn around, walk away and say,  “I’ll take my business elsewhere.”  But hey, here’s an interesting fact for you to tell when the pub talk is getting boring.  “You are more likely to get bit by your toilet than a shark.”  That’s right…beware of the Great White Toilet!  This data came from a professor, so it must be true.  I don’t know about you, but now I feel vulnerable when my pants are down.  (This next statement is inappropriate toilet talk, so skip to the next paragraph.  “We’ve all heard it in a public restroom coming from the next stall…butt splash…and it lets us know more about complete strangers than we wanted to.”)

Professor N: “Don’t assume anything except a 3% mortgage in medicine.”

“The perfect date has Kluver Brucey Syndrome:  Hyper oral fixation, fearless and hyper sexual.  Unfortunately it’s been seen more in animals than humans.”

“In the South, you can say the meanest thing about a person as long as you say ‘Bless Their Heart’ afterwards .”

Last Couple things.  Finally found live music on the island with ample study space, and I run my neighbors 5 month old puppy every morning. Meet Shanti.

My roommate’s boyfriend is here for 2 weeks visiting.  Within 5 minutes they were in the bedroom…without thinking, I went straight to the cupboard looking for chocolate.   I’m such a f****** girl.

 

 

 

Let the 2016 One-Liners Begin

Student: “I feel like a just entered a time warp coming back to Anguilla. It’s another world down here…with goats, chickens and lizards as the national wildlife.” (Much like entering the wardrobe in The Chronicles of Narnia.)

Student and Professor N:  When talking about neurotoxins, “How do you spell that?”  “T…H…A…T…careful how you ask questions.”

Professor N: “Who can I pick on…Lydia, and who else…Nathan.  So here’s a scenario for you, Nathan was stimulating Lydia’s T4 Dermatome during lecture (class uproars in laughter)…you guys are terrible.  He wasn’t rubbing her nipple he was rubbing her back, and don’t you forget it.”

Professor N: “I just went to a staff development meeting.  Look at me now, in 45 minutes I’m more developed.”  (Then he gave the biggest grin like the Grinch who stole Christmas.)

Student and Professor B: “What is on the exam?”  “Questions”

Professor G Scenario 1:  This guy has a voice as deep as the ocean with a New Jersey attitude.  “I’m going to sit while giving lecture today because I’m fat and lazy, plus I hurt my foot in the bathroom.” When he did burn 2 calories to ‘skoot’ his chair around the room, it just creaked “SSKKRREEEEEEEEEKK”.  “During DNA Transcription there first needs to be an RNA primer “SSKKRREEEEEEEEEKK” that is the signal for DNA Polymerase to bind “SSKKRREEEEEEEEEKK” which is then later removed by another enzyme “SSKKRREEEEEEEEEKK” DNA polymerase I, Questions?” (My mind: “Yes, what’s the best treatment for biting my tongue?”)  When a student asked a question, he ‘skooted’ over to her while looking like a bobble-head on a dashboard. Then while he was answering her question…he belched!  “That was the enchiladas from lunch.”  The class just up-roared in laughter; meanwhile, the student who asked the question wanted to be on the ‘Highway to Hell” outta there! (Our class got front row seats to a reality TV show with this Professor.)

Professor G Scenario 2:  “So, we gotta find out who Mr. X (the father of the child) is…maybe he’s the mail man bringing his package of cheer…or the milk man; it’s always the milk man.”

Student to Student, man to man: “Are you sexually frustrated?”

A couple of my friends were flirting (a Texan cowboy and an Alaskan cowgirl) while I mentioned to the rest of the group,  “She wants to be deep in the heart of Texas.”

Every Friday night there is a pick-up soccer game, and I started playing.  One guy mentioned that I had “Good ball control”…I said “No comment.”

Anatomy = Entertainment

Everybody’s larynx looks like Jesus, so when people talk…it’s the Lord’s word.   “There are cows tied up at the Anguillan airport”- Jesus’ observation.  “Pass the butter”- the Lord’s 11th commandment. “I’ll buy the next round”- Thank you Jesus!

Our professor was demonstrating ACL and PCL tests in-class. My friend, Megan (who is in the middle of the photo giving thumb’s up), was the PCL victim.  The positioning of our professor relating to Megan on the floor was eye-catching, so I was pulling out my phone for a photo, and the screen froze…so I was swearing like a sailor in my head going “c’mon you piece of shit, work! “  Unfortunately I missed this precious Kodak moment.  But, don’t worry, we can do more stupid things.  Just believe.

Here’s our professor’s view of England. Our professor said the best contribution the British made to the world was the game Cricket; I disagreed with this statement so I questioned, “What about Shakespear?”  (That was my appropriate question, when I was really thinking Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, Charles Shaunessey, Alan Rickman, Emma Thompson, JK Rowling, The Beatles, The Who, The Rolling Stones, The Pilgrims who founded the USA)….really professor- cricket is your choice???????  Anybody can whack a ball- give any woman a baseball bat and she’ll show ya.  But who can write Across the Universe, Hey Jude, Harlem Shuffle, Undun, and the adventures of Harry Potter at Hogwart’s School of Witchcraft and Wizardry???????

The goat below took a momentary break from snacking and  turned his head for the photo.

Professor’s shining moment of the week.  “Males have monthly periods too you know..yeah!…It takes sperm 30 days to get from the testis and mature thru the epididymis.”  And here females have been labeled the hormonal ones….newsflash…as developing embryos we are all female until Dihydroxytestosterone comes along and makes males….Once again- Males are the hormonal ones!!!! Okay, another professor shining moment.  “You know ejaculation burns 2,500 calories in 3 seconds…try running a mile in 3 seconds.”…….whoa, whoa….our professors numbers are a little off here, try more like 250 calories and 400 calories for vigorous intercourse.  This guy is 50 Shades of  “I’m covering my ears now…stop….la la la la la ….I can’t hear you!”

My Ethics group presentation was on impaired physicians.  We decided to create our own Google Image.

Salsa for dinner.  With tests being as common as bathroom breaks, I just ignored the fact that I ate salsa for dinner by the spoonful from a jar.  You got to do what you got to do.

 

 

 

 

 

This One’s about Fun

The higher the tension and stress, the more shoe websites pop-up on women’s computers…I agree with this form of therapy- you go girls, stratified squamous keratinized epithelium has got nothing on red pumps!

This is the moon in the morning.

Yoga is pro-boobs.  (I cannot take credit for this- thanks Mom.)

Lively, smart and funny classmates.

My grandparents offered to Skype my medical class to demonstrate the physical effects of aging.  During this conversation, my grandma told me she is on Tinder!  I gasped and was like Holy Shit grandma!  That is a Casual Sex hook-up goldmine (she did not know this juicy little detail)…so, Grandma will be on a date with Jack What’s-His-Face while Grandpa is on a date with Jack Daniel’s.  At least Jack Daniels has a label…a black label.  So my current goal in life is to make a reality TV show about my Grandmother dating men from Tinder…oh, the joys of watching awkwardness.

Photographs of the lightning storm on Halloween.

Tuna Concoction Extraordinaire…and its Benefits

Every time he tries to say ‘sheet’, as in a sheet of fascia between muscles…it comes out ‘shit’…and everybody instantly pays attention because they’re wondering what ‘shit’ is doing in muscle- quite a pathology.

This is a narrative on how our professor consoled his friend who just went through a break-up with his girlfriend.  “I want to die.”  “Just go get another girl friend.”  “No, I don’t want to, I want to die.”  “Ok, let’s get in the car, and I’ll take you to the bridge.” (They actually drive to the bridge).  “You are actually going to watch me jump!” “Well yeah, just know it’s a one way ticket!”  Then they went home.

“You can see that cell from a plane!”…what is said in my mind, “Bull shit, I can’t even see it from my desk!”

Talking with classmates about our Embryology test, it was said that before medical school, the only time we hyperventilated was in sports, now it’s looking at grades.

To me, surviving Medical School seems to be all about efficiency.  What is efficient for me, apparently, provides comic relief for classmates.  Sitting with a group for lunch, one commented on my pasta. ‘Oooh pasta!…wait, what’s in there?” “cabbage, pickles”  “Oh my God, you need help…what else is in there?”-Chris “tuna, onions, peppers….basically whatever was in my cupboard or fridge I threw in a pot to last 8 days!”  “I’m not hungry anymore”-Chris  “I would rather eat a garbage can”- Nikki  “You’re making her laugh so hard she’s crying.”-Mark  “I’m laughing because she’s laughing.”-Mark  “You can come to our place for a dinner so you don’t have to worry about cooking.”-Mark.   There you have it, something positive came after eating Tuna Concoction Extraordinaire for 7.5 days.

Embarrassment that will live in Infamy

After classes at 5pm, I went to review anatomical structures in the lab with a group of classmates.  We reviewed the abdominal cavity and inguinal canal.  Female’s inguinal canals vary in their content from male’s inguinal canals.  Females have a round ligament of the uterus which extends out of the inguinal canal to the labia majora.  At precisely 5:40pm on October 5^th, 2015, I asked, “Where are the labia majora?”  After the words left my lips, classmates roared in laughter, and the first one to speak was my professor, and he had the most evil, evil, pleasure-full grin on his face! It was at this moment my knees gave out, and I fell behind the cadaver wishing I was a dead horse to be shot out of its misery.  Incapacitated under the cadaver table I was hyperventilating with laughter and shear horror at my stupid, stupid, stupid question.  There are such things as STUPID QUESTIONS!!!!  And asking them makes you want to die!!!!!!!!!  Here is the proof that my brain shuts down at 5pm sharp- waking up at 3am has its consequences.  This moment is in my top 3 most embarrassing moments, and it makes pulling down my pants in a delirious state seem like paradise.  October the 5^th will forever be my day of infamy…and I am just praying the professor does not ‘Look’ at me tomorrow, or I am going to find a Demerol needle. Classmates gave me hugs, and one classmate took me to get Greek food for dinner on our way home- thank you kind soul for having pity on me.

Washing dishes in my abode, my landlord’s friends left after dinner.  One guy came to the window while I was washing dishes.  “What you making for dinner?” “Not making, I’m washing.”  “I’d be a good husband for you and wash those dishes….what’s your name?”  “Shequita.”  “Mine is Stress-Free…let me cook you a stress free dinner some time” …blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, yada…he left.

Our surgeon professor went to point out an inflamed appendix on a student’s laptop in the back, and she nonchalantly mentioned “Well I guess I won’t show him, he’s sleeping.”  Everybody in class whipped their head around and just started laughing.  A classmate had his head against the wall and a gaping sleeping mouth.  The best part is it took him 3 minutes to wake up when the classes laughter shook the walls.

Eventful Morning to Morning

Just like Goldie Locks I was peacefully eating my porridge and studying Anatomy.  With a spoon rising to my mouth, a giant pair of wings started beating against my leg.  This is at 4:30am, and I just scream because it is THEE BIGGEST BUG FLYING CREATURE!!! My porridge slops down the window, and I run away to nowhere because my sympathetic nervous system decided to freeze instead of fight or flight.  After settling down a little bit, I start making note cards at the table.  Now, my dinner table has a glass top.  Lone behold, I decide to take a drink of coffee and a MOUSE RUNS UNDER THE TABLE OVER MY FEET!!!!! I scream some words to be cleansed at 4:55am in the morning, fling my coffee contents across the room and develop goosebumps. Got goosebumps again just writing about it.

Anatomy Lab can be pretty lively even though you’re working with dead people.  Our professor was dissecting the vas deferens on the male cadaver; he asked everyone to feel it.  In a totally professional manner, our professor explained how the male students in the class could palpate this anatomical structure.  It was at this time…I had no filter…and I said, “There you go fellas, homework!”…My lab group started laughing, and our professor did not hear the joke, so he just looked at me perplexed “what did you say?”…while I put the surgical mask further up my face to dry tears.  (Google vas deferens if you are unsure where it is)

When I started to drive to school at age 16, I was the girl who chose to sleep instead of do makeup; I took this even further by getting out of the shower and going straight to school.  So I was kind of a redneck in the fact that I stuck my head outside of my Jeep window for a hair dryer.  And when Minnesota winter brought 5 degree January days, I went to class with icicle head. Here in the Caribbean, you stand outside in the 7:30am sun for 2 minutes and your hair has highlights, volume, dryness, and that model-fan look.

Upper class-men here at the medical school like to party.  They organized a party on the neighboring island.  We got on the boats at 10:30pm and danced under tiki shacks on the very small island.  Turns out, one of my classmates is a fabulous ballroom dancer from Canada, so we did Rumba, Salsa, Swing and Jive…Finally some Dancing (I hope it is just coincidental that lightning strikes occurred the first night I got to dance)!!!!!!!!